Tag Archives: healing

Desiring the Healer more than the Healing

dandelion

One of the hidden gifts of suffering is empathy or “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. As my physical body continues to deteriorate and lose feeling, my heart becomes stronger and more sensitive. It’s a beautiful contradiction that shows, once again, how God is working out all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

This empathy isn’t reserved only for people who are presently intertwined in my life. It gushes out whenever I hear or read about someone who has or is experiencing physical pain similar to mine.

Since the Bible is filled with stories of broken, pain-filled people, I’ve discovered that empathy plays a key role in scripture becoming personal to me.

I was reading in Acts 3, a story that I’ve read several times without feeling any emotional attachment to. This chapter chronicles the story of a crippled beggar who is miraculously healed during his encounter with the true Healer, through the apostle Peter. You can read it below for yourself;

“Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, ‘Look at us! ‘So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them. Then Peter said, ‘Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you, In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.’ Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. ” Acts 3:2-7

As I read through this story again, my heart caught in my throat at that last phrase… “instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong.

My feet and ankles have not looked or functioned normally since I was about eight years old. The appearance of my feet in the past few years would send a “normal” person racing to the ER. I have a very limited amount of sensation in them and an even more limited amount of motion. I have poor circulation, so most of the time, my feet are a purple-ish blue color and cold to the touch. I have periodic neuropothy (similar to a diabetic foot), arthritis from previous operations, scars, and occasional nerve pain that is so intense it will cause my entire autonomic nervous system to overreact, leading to severe muscle cramping all over my body, numbness, headaches, etc.

feet

To put it simply, they are a burden. About two weeks ago, they became even more of a burden when I developed a tiny crack in the dry skin on my left heel. We had a cold snap up here in WI and temps were in the double negatives for a few days. This sudden drop in temperature caused the skin on my heel to crack open, which is not uncommon. However, because I cannot feel pain in that foot, I wasn’t aware of the crack. One morning I woke up and my foot felt different…different than my normal. My ankle felt like it had been bit by something and was having an allergic reaction. It felt hot and stiff and as the day progressed, the redness, swelling, and stiffness only increased.

Once I discovered the crack and realized what was actually going on, I knew that I needed to have it looked at immediately. While a crack like this in a normal foot would be painful and a nuisance at most, in my feet I knew it could quickly spiral into an infection that could put me in the hospital, surgery, or even an amputation if it wasn’t treated early enough.

After obtaining a last minute appointment with a local podiatrist and confirming through X-Ray that the infection had not spread into my bones or muscles, I was put on 24-48 hours of bed rest and two strong oral antibiotics, with the back-up plan of going to the ER for IV antibiotics if there wasn’t immediate improvement. Thankfully my body wasn’t resistant to the oral antibiotics (a risk because of how often I am on them for UTI’s from self-catheterizing) and the infection began to subside.

While the infection cleared, I began to have burning and stinging around my stoma (the opening in my abdomen where my small intestine “hangs out”). Since my digestive system now gets rid of waste before it goes through my colon, everything comes out in a semi-digested, watery state. The colon is what absorbs the majority of water and left-over nutrients, so when waste comes out of my stoma, there are still active digestive enzymes that can eat away the flesh on my abdomen. My body has adapted to this change, but when the oral antibiotics began to flush through, it aggravated my skin creating a 1/4″ of raw, open skin around my stoma. Needless to say it hurt quite a bit. It also made it difficult for my bag adhesive to stick, so while my infection was clearing, I now had a new issue at hand to deal with. On top of all of this, my right heel developed a crack in the skin as well.

All of this, because of something that is so “normal” for most people.

I tell you all of this in order to give you a glimpse into why I suddenly connected with this crippled man whose feet and ankles had failed him.

Out of empathy, I could imagine his excitement as he felt warm blood rush through his veins and strength surge into his feet that had felt “dead” for so long. But even more than that, I know the prolonged joy that would have come over him because not only did he experience healing, but he encountered the Healer himself.

Singer/Songwriter Natalie Grant had the lyrics to one of her songs in one of her Instagram posts. It said,

“Help me want the Healer more than the healing, Help me want the Savior more than the saving, Help me want the Giver more than the giving, Help me want You, Jesus, more than anything.”

Through this man’s story and because of the empathy I had toward him, God nudged me with a truth that I needed to be reminded of. God wants me to know Him and desire the healing of my soul more than the healing of my body. No, it’s not wrong to want physical healing, and I am so thankful that my feet are beginning to heal. But that can’t be my focus.

If you look back to the first few verses in this story it says, “When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, ‘Look at us!’. “

This crippled beggar noticed Peter and John come into the temple, but his gaze must have shifted from their faces downward to the earthly possessions he could get from them, because Peter tells him to look at them. I imagine that he was also looking down, ashamed of what he was. I think Peter wanted the man to look at him in order to see the power of the risen Christ that was living in him. He knew that ultimately that is what the man needed in order to be healed and to restore his dignity.

So often, I let my gaze shift downward and I forget that growing my relationship with Jesus is my ultimate goal.

If you continue reading Acts chapter 3 and into Chapter 4, you come to verse 4 that says,

“But many who heard the message believed and the number of men grew to about five thousand.” Acts 4:4

The “message” that this verse is referring to is the message of the gospel that Peter and John were able to then share with the people who “were astonished and came running to them…” as a result of  witnessing the miraculous healing in this beggar’s life.

If this man had refused to shift his gaze upward to Peter and John, he may have encountered a small amount of money…maybe enough to buy a meal to temporarily satisfy his hunger…but he would have missed the opportunity to encounter the Holy Spirit who would reset the entire course of his life and in turn, touch five thousand more hearts that day.

I don’t want to miss an opportunity like that because I’m looking down.

Do you?

-Adri

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Resolutions- “Whatever’s in front of me, I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah”

iPhone 762My “stats” page just informed me that it’s been three months since I posted a new blog entry here.

It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been talking…crying is more like it… with God about a few things and have purposefully avoided writing. Not because I am scared to let you see into my brokenness, but because ultimately, what God has to say about it is what matters.

Sometimes I need to just stop and be quiet and listen to that voice inside of me that I know is God-breathed, because nothing in and of my human-ness would have formulated that thought in my head.

Promise came home from school, after returning from Christmas break, and announced (while standing on her chair, as she does with most of her “announcements”) that while discussing what “resolution” meant at school, she told her whole class what my New Years Resolution was.

My heart started racing. I broke out in a cold sweat as I frantically replayed in my mind, every resolution that I had mindlessly rattled off (serious or otherwise) over the past week. I’m not big on New Years Resolutions, but I am big on jokingly making them up.

Oops.

(Lesson learned. Promise is more social in class than I thought she was. I have no idea where she gets that.)

After coming up empty on what Promise could have possibly shared with her entire class, my anxiety was calmed as she said, “Oh you know Mommy, the one about getting an alarm clock and not keeping your phone on your nightstand.” *Cue a collective sigh of relief*

As is evidenced by the time stamp on this post, I am failing horribly at this “no electronics in the bedroom” resolution.

In the days and weeks that have followed that announcement, God and I have been having some more serious hear-to-heart talks about resolutions.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that in 2 minutes I am turning 31, or if subconsciously my body just knows that it’s getting tired, but the weight of my health has been unusually heavy at the start of this new year.

I’ve struggled more than I ever have before with seeing friends and acquaintances experience physical healing in their lives, while my situation remains unchanged…if not worse. I’ve silently cried out the, “but why not me, God?” question repeatedly in my head.

If anything, I feel like my faith in God’s power to heal me is more confident now than it has ever been.

And the only answer that I’ve gotten is that that is not God’s plan for my life right now. Is he capable? Yes. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead, now lives in me. Of course he is capable. I believe that with my whole heart.

As my friend, Jill, so wisely shared with me a few months back; God has healed me. I can’t think of myself as being excluded from his healing. He’s healed me to the point that he knows I needed to be healed in order to accomplish his purpose for my life.

I am alive. I am walking. I still have my legs, as cumbersome as they may be. That is all a certain extent of healing that God has allowed to take place in my life.

It’s just not healing on my terms. Which is where faith and resolve come in.

The lyrics of this song by Bethany Dillon hit me hard the other day as the spilled out from my Pandora station while driving;

“Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I’ve fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it’s when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

Songwriters: Leonard Winston Dillon
© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
And so as I step into another year of living with all of this, my resolve is that “whatever’s in front of me,  I’ll choose to sing hallelujah”.
-Adri

 

 


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