Tag Archives: feet

Plodding in the Desert

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I’ve been spending time in the desert lately. Things have felt dry and parched and starving for refreshment. I’ve traveled this terrain enough times to know that there is purpose in it, but it doesn’t make the journey any easier.

Since the beginning of this year, I’ve felt a shift. That’s the only way I can describe it. Something is different with my health, but I can’t put it into words. My body feels tired all the time and it’s really hard to process that. I’ve shared these feelings with a few close friends and Chris (of course) but it’s made it difficult to write. I’ve needed a lot of me and Jesus time, with no other voices involved.

I’d like to tell you that I’ve sorted things out, but I haven’t. God’s given me a few incredible gifts along the way…things I think he knew I’d need to keep on pressing on.

One thing I do know is that along with this “shift” has come an even greater urgency for me to share with you how real God can be in your life and how very much he is needed.

It’s been a tough year so far with my health. I shared in my last post about complications with an infection in my foot. Shortly after that, I took a hard fall to polished concrete at my favorite restaurant on a date night with Chris. Ironically, Chris was about the only person in the restaurant to NOT see me fall. After a few weeks of feeling as if I’d been hit by a bus, I went in for X-rays to check out (what I thought) were cracked or bruised ribs. It turned out that I had a compression fracture in my vertebrae just below my fusion in my thoracic spine. The assumption is that is happened because of the fall, but much like a cracked rib, the only pathway to healing was time and rest. Months of time and rest.

Which brought us to the end of March in which Chris and I took a belated Anniversary trip to Puerto Rico. The warmer weather and steady climate did wonders for my pain, but the endless hours to lay around on the beach and “think” were a surprise I hadn’t bargained for. Finally on the last night of our trip, over an amazing dinner, I apologized to Chris for being so quiet the whole week (my timing is impeccable, I know). I told him the more I tried to figure out why I was so introspective, the more introspective it had made me. (Introspective is a fancy word for quiet and boring).

And then it hit me; this was the first time Chris and I had done a beach vacation…just the two of us, no family or friends…in five years. And in five years, my body has changed a lot. I had a major spine surgery that changed my entire neurological makeup along with shortening me an inch (still peeved about that one…) and an ileostomy bag placed. So to go on a vacation where you’re pretty much living in a bathing suit 24/7, was hard on me. I felt self-conscious and embarrassed (for Chris) the whole time. I was frustrated that I had to use my wheelchair so much, because getting around at the pool without my leg braces is hard and dangerous. The stares bothered me more on this trip than they ever had before. And it bothered me that it bothered me.

puerto rico

And it hit me afresh like a tidal wave that my health is not getting any better, but in fact is getting worse.

I keep having this re-occurring nightmare where I show up at the office of my Neurologist. In my dream he’s a faceless individual…older, kind…but I never am actually called into be seen by him. The dream progresses (they improved the elevator in one of them…) and I see him in the waiting room, or at a coffee shop in the hospital lobby, but I never hear his diagnosis of me and I never actually get real clinic time with him.

It’s troublesome to me and I think it probably has to do with a pending appointment I have with a new local neurologist here in Milwaukee in June. I’ve had the appointment scheduled for several months now, after my primary doctor urged me to find someone to look into a tremor that I’ve developed. They think it’s further autonomic dysfunction due to my deteriorating nervous system, but it would be good to rule out any other neurological causes (MS, fibromyalgia, parkinsons, etc.).

And I think that’s when I start to come full circle about this “shift” I’m feeling. I think part of this shift is that I no longer have a great desire to figure all this out. I’ve gotten to a point where a diagnosis is just a name. I know there is no solution, no cure, and so it all seems so futile to me. But I have this internal wrestling going on inside because I would never want Chris or Promise or anyone that I love to think that I didn’t try my hardest to live the longest, healthiest life I could.

And so that is a small window into what my desert has looked like lately. Ironically, all of this comes after giving a talk titled “The Battle for Hope- How to Keep Getting Up When You Get Kicked Down” at our Church, Elmbrook, in early March. How I’ve listened to my own advice over and over and over. I’ve repeatedly told myself that it’s not about feeling God, but knowing the truth of God. It’s about making a choice to keep plodding along, even on the hardest, driest days….that somehow God will not let that go in vain.

I was laying in bed last Sunday night, Chris silently sleeping beside me. My health and the future of my health felt like a weight on my chest and I was silently trying to muffle my sobs. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to get out of bed and get on my knees by my bedside. Again, I knew it was God’s spirit because it’s not a thought that would naturally come from my human-ness. I mean getting on my knees is hard for me. It hurts. My left foot is at a permanent 90 degree angle, so it’s uncomfortable. Really awkward.

After a few moments of wrestling in my head with whether or not I was actually going to do this, I slipped out of bed and onto the floor. And I wept. And I surrendered my health to God, afresh…asking him to take it all. As I crawled into bed I had the most incredible peace where the heaviness had been. I wanted to read my bible but it was down in my car, so I opened up the bible app on my phone. Apparently the last time I had been reading it had something to do with looking up the verse we named Promise after; Psalm 145:13 NIV.

As my eyes read through verse 13 and into verse 14, my breathe caught in my throat. I had never paid attention to the verse following “her” verse but it read:

“The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.”

I know that no matter what lies in front of me, or for however long this desert period lasts, God will lift me up if I continue to bow my life to him.

-Adri

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Desiring the Healer more than the Healing

dandelion

One of the hidden gifts of suffering is empathy or “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. As my physical body continues to deteriorate and lose feeling, my heart becomes stronger and more sensitive. It’s a beautiful contradiction that shows, once again, how God is working out all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

This empathy isn’t reserved only for people who are presently intertwined in my life. It gushes out whenever I hear or read about someone who has or is experiencing physical pain similar to mine.

Since the Bible is filled with stories of broken, pain-filled people, I’ve discovered that empathy plays a key role in scripture becoming personal to me.

I was reading in Acts 3, a story that I’ve read several times without feeling any emotional attachment to. This chapter chronicles the story of a crippled beggar who is miraculously healed during his encounter with the true Healer, through the apostle Peter. You can read it below for yourself;

“Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, ‘Look at us! ‘So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them. Then Peter said, ‘Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you, In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.’ Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. ” Acts 3:2-7

As I read through this story again, my heart caught in my throat at that last phrase… “instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong.

My feet and ankles have not looked or functioned normally since I was about eight years old. The appearance of my feet in the past few years would send a “normal” person racing to the ER. I have a very limited amount of sensation in them and an even more limited amount of motion. I have poor circulation, so most of the time, my feet are a purple-ish blue color and cold to the touch. I have periodic neuropothy (similar to a diabetic foot), arthritis from previous operations, scars, and occasional nerve pain that is so intense it will cause my entire autonomic nervous system to overreact, leading to severe muscle cramping all over my body, numbness, headaches, etc.

feet

To put it simply, they are a burden. About two weeks ago, they became even more of a burden when I developed a tiny crack in the dry skin on my left heel. We had a cold snap up here in WI and temps were in the double negatives for a few days. This sudden drop in temperature caused the skin on my heel to crack open, which is not uncommon. However, because I cannot feel pain in that foot, I wasn’t aware of the crack. One morning I woke up and my foot felt different…different than my normal. My ankle felt like it had been bit by something and was having an allergic reaction. It felt hot and stiff and as the day progressed, the redness, swelling, and stiffness only increased.

Once I discovered the crack and realized what was actually going on, I knew that I needed to have it looked at immediately. While a crack like this in a normal foot would be painful and a nuisance at most, in my feet I knew it could quickly spiral into an infection that could put me in the hospital, surgery, or even an amputation if it wasn’t treated early enough.

After obtaining a last minute appointment with a local podiatrist and confirming through X-Ray that the infection had not spread into my bones or muscles, I was put on 24-48 hours of bed rest and two strong oral antibiotics, with the back-up plan of going to the ER for IV antibiotics if there wasn’t immediate improvement. Thankfully my body wasn’t resistant to the oral antibiotics (a risk because of how often I am on them for UTI’s from self-catheterizing) and the infection began to subside.

While the infection cleared, I began to have burning and stinging around my stoma (the opening in my abdomen where my small intestine “hangs out”). Since my digestive system now gets rid of waste before it goes through my colon, everything comes out in a semi-digested, watery state. The colon is what absorbs the majority of water and left-over nutrients, so when waste comes out of my stoma, there are still active digestive enzymes that can eat away the flesh on my abdomen. My body has adapted to this change, but when the oral antibiotics began to flush through, it aggravated my skin creating a 1/4″ of raw, open skin around my stoma. Needless to say it hurt quite a bit. It also made it difficult for my bag adhesive to stick, so while my infection was clearing, I now had a new issue at hand to deal with. On top of all of this, my right heel developed a crack in the skin as well.

All of this, because of something that is so “normal” for most people.

I tell you all of this in order to give you a glimpse into why I suddenly connected with this crippled man whose feet and ankles had failed him.

Out of empathy, I could imagine his excitement as he felt warm blood rush through his veins and strength surge into his feet that had felt “dead” for so long. But even more than that, I know the prolonged joy that would have come over him because not only did he experience healing, but he encountered the Healer himself.

Singer/Songwriter Natalie Grant had the lyrics to one of her songs in one of her Instagram posts. It said,

“Help me want the Healer more than the healing, Help me want the Savior more than the saving, Help me want the Giver more than the giving, Help me want You, Jesus, more than anything.”

Through this man’s story and because of the empathy I had toward him, God nudged me with a truth that I needed to be reminded of. God wants me to know Him and desire the healing of my soul more than the healing of my body. No, it’s not wrong to want physical healing, and I am so thankful that my feet are beginning to heal. But that can’t be my focus.

If you look back to the first few verses in this story it says, “When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, ‘Look at us!’. “

This crippled beggar noticed Peter and John come into the temple, but his gaze must have shifted from their faces downward to the earthly possessions he could get from them, because Peter tells him to look at them. I imagine that he was also looking down, ashamed of what he was. I think Peter wanted the man to look at him in order to see the power of the risen Christ that was living in him. He knew that ultimately that is what the man needed in order to be healed and to restore his dignity.

So often, I let my gaze shift downward and I forget that growing my relationship with Jesus is my ultimate goal.

If you continue reading Acts chapter 3 and into Chapter 4, you come to verse 4 that says,

“But many who heard the message believed and the number of men grew to about five thousand.” Acts 4:4

The “message” that this verse is referring to is the message of the gospel that Peter and John were able to then share with the people who “were astonished and came running to them…” as a result of  witnessing the miraculous healing in this beggar’s life.

If this man had refused to shift his gaze upward to Peter and John, he may have encountered a small amount of money…maybe enough to buy a meal to temporarily satisfy his hunger…but he would have missed the opportunity to encounter the Holy Spirit who would reset the entire course of his life and in turn, touch five thousand more hearts that day.

I don’t want to miss an opportunity like that because I’m looking down.

Do you?

-Adri


Today I’m Looking Up

I spend quite a bit of my day looking down. Especially when I walk, I’m always looking down.

My sensation in my feet, because of nerve damage from my spine surgeries, is almost completely gone. I can’t trust the nerves to communicate accurately to my brain, so my body compensates through using my vision. I want to be sure I’m not walking on unsteady ground, about to trip over a misplaced toy, or step on something sharp or hot.

One thing I’ve noticed about this habit, though, is that when I’m constantly looking down, many times all I can see are shadows. The sun or light source is always above me, but objects and even my own body get in the way of that light and cast confusing shadows where I’m trying to walk.

photo 1

I like to think of myself as a person who doesn’t fear a whole lot. But recently I’ve been aware that I do still struggle with fear. I’ve been experiencing increased nerve pain in my feet that pulses relentlessly when I’m trying to sleep and pain in my knees from the misalignment of my feet and legs. I’ve been looking down a lot, trying to figure out how to stop this pain. Every time I look down, rather than finding answers, I am washed over with new fear. Primarily the fear of getting older and how that will affect my body.

There are other fears I’ve been struggling with. Decisions of where to send Promise for school next year. It’s been a rough year of Kindergarten and I fear making the wrong choice for her for first grade (and on). I’m fearful towards the possibility that my mom, who has been struggling with hearing changes for the past 3 (+) months, may need a complicated surgery on her head and ear. I’m constantly looking down at my phone or my laptop, searching for answers to these fears, but I am always just left with more confusion and fear.

I know that constantly looking down isn’t working for me. I need to look up, directly into the sunlight or Son’s light. That’s the only place that confusing shadows cannot exist.

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This morning I looked up every verse on fear that I could find in my Bible. I used an online tool http://www.blueletterbible.org to help me trace the origin of the word “fear” in both the Old Testament and New Testament. I came away with the following takeaways;

1. The only fear that should exist in my life is the fear of the LORD… of Yahweh. This word “fear” in Hebrew is “yare” which means to “have reverence”, “awe”, “dread”. This fear is healthy and vital for my life because it will lead me to the wisdom that I need and desire.

2. There is no room in my life for the “phobo” type of fear. The fear of people and what they can do to me. This type of fear will only tangle me up (Proverbs 29:25). I need to take this fear and replace it with the fear of God. The reverent awe of God. The understanding that God is the one who ultimately controls everything, most importantly life and death.

So today on this beautiful sunny day, I’m going to look directly into the light. Will you?

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I also ask that you pray for clear answers for my mom’s ear on Thursday. These tests will determine if her condition can be fixed through a non-invasive surgery or if she will need the more complicated surgery. We are obviously hoping and praying for the former option.

Thank you friends and enjoy your day in the sun!

-Adri


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