Tag Archives: disability

No Turning Back, No Turning Back

no turning back

Photo Credit: Roost Photography

“What if I wasn’t created with love and intent for a specific purpose? What if I really am just an abnormality explained by science… essentially, a cosmic mistake? There’s a mystery behind being known and understood that gives life meaning.”

I wrote out these words at 1 am as I sat crying silently in my bathroom and let myself travel down the mental path of questioning what my life would look like if I truly believed those first two statements.

It was frightening. It looked like despair. A life void of value. Complete, unending darkness that would swallow me. It looked like death.

But I needed to sit in it. I needed to let myself go there and feel that in it’s completeness. I needed to find out if God’s love was deep enough and wide enough to cradle those questions.

Surprisingly, after all the pain that I’ve experienced, I never had questioned that God allowed the formation of my spine to stop at L5, leading to permanent life long damage of a clump of some of the most important and delicate nerves in my body. I had always just accepted it.

Recently, I uttered a phrase to a friend who is hoping in her journey with singleness. I said, “You know what your life would look like if you abandoned your belief that God is good and has a purpose in all of this. But you don’t know what it will look like if you keep trusting him. There’s hope in that.”

I realized that I’ve played this mantra over and over silently in my mind but had never given a voice to it.

know what my life would look like if I abandoned my faith in Jesus. I would be angry and cynical about my pain. I would be self-centered, my faith would rest solely in doctors and my identity would be my disease. I would use alcohol and cutting to numb the emotions that I didn’t have the mental strength to process. I would make all my decisions based on my feelings. I may have not even had the opportunity to write this because in a moment of mental exhaustion, I likely would have chosen suicide.

I’m in the middle of a 30 week seminary class titled “Biblical Theology and Interpretation”. Every Monday night, I leave the class feeling like my mind is going to explode from information but what  I am learning about how to study the Bible and about the Bible itself,  are life changing.

This weekend we looked at how to deal with doubt and hard teachings in the Bible. We focused on John 6: 48-69

“I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.

The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”

So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate, and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever. Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.

When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?”

But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”

After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.

So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?”

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” 

If you’re familiar with the Bible, imagine being the Jews and hearing Jesus say this for the first time. They would not have had his death on the cross and Resurrection to put it into context. They would have had no idea of our modern tradition of communion. This all would have been gross and confusing. It’s not surprising that the response of MANY of his followers was to “turn(ed) back and no longer walk(ed) with him.

I love Simon Peter’s response to Jesus’s question, though, “Do you want to go away as well?” He doesn’t reply, “Of course not! I totally get everything you just said and I’m in it to win it, no questions asked!”. Rather, Peter’s response suggests that he had thought about turning away and if he did, to whom he would turn to…and he was one of Jesus’s best friends!

But ultimately, Peter chooses to stay because of everything he had “come to know”. A better translation of this would be because of everything he had learned over time…the time he had spent living with Jesus. He had seen and heard enough truth to believe that Jesus was “the Holy One of God.”. Did he doubt? yes. Did he lack understanding and probably think some of what Jesus said was hard to accept and a little crazy? yes. Did he think about turning back to his former life and job as a fishermen? yes. But he knew enough to know that going forward with Jesus was filled with more hope than turning back.

I know what God has done in my life up to this point. I know what my life would look like without his death on the cross and Resurrection from the grave. I know enough to continue clinging to my faith.

As I continue to have increasing pain and disheartening diagnosis’, I have found myself humming this familiar tune;

“I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

My cross I’ll carry, till I see Jesus;
My cross I’ll carry, till I see Jesus;
My cross I’ll carry, till I see Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.”

This video shows the story God has given me. It was created and used by my home church, Elmbrook and I hope you are encouraged by it. Video filmed and edited by Matt Roth.

Much love,

Adri

 

 

 

 

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An Eternal Perspective

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(Written in August 2016)

Two years ago I agreed…actually sought out…to have a surgery that I had always considered a “last resort”. However, my health had reached a point where it now sounded like a dream.

Since my second spine surgery in 1995, I had lived with severe constipation due to nerve damage done to my bowels and bladder. The damage was irreparable. So at the age of nine years old, I learned how to self-catheterize and do a bi-weekly bowel routine that consisted of a large dose of laxatives followed by 10-12 hours of cramping, nausea, vomiting, dehydration, and occasionally blacking out.

Mentally, this routine was brutal. Physically, it became unbearable. I did this bowel regimen through high school, college, into marriage, through pregnancy (the worst), until Promise was six years old. (There were nights where I even nursed her while on the toilet! I’m sure she’ll love hearing that when she’s older.)

The day following this routine, my body would be completely exhausted. Once my Chiari Malformation was diagnosed, we realized that the continuous straining on these nights was exasperating the symptoms of this brain malformation. We knew it was a cycle that could not continue any longer, both in order to preserve my health and to improve my quality of life.

So in November of 2015, after much testing and discussion with my colorectal surgeon, I had a loop ileostomy placed. It has been a life-changing procedure that (even with its challenges) I am abundantly thankful for.

Recently I began having cramping, nausea, and vomiting. After two weeks of experiencing this, my colorectal surgeon sent me for an X-ray that confirmed I had stool in my colon. I was blindsided and shocked by this news, because I didn’t know this was possible after an ileostomy.  I have learned that with a temporary ileostomy (it can be re-connected to my colon) this can occasionally happen.

All of this has launched us into a (sooner than expected) discussion of when to go back into surgery to create a permanent ileostomy by removing my colon and rectum.

As I worked through the questions and emotions of removing these organs and my body changing, yet again, I felt tired and weighed down.

I cried. I slept…a lot. Then I woke up and I knew that crying and sleeping were beneficial for a time, but I also knew they couldn’t be my long-term solution for working through this grief.

Promise was at an impromptu sleepover and Chris was out of town. It was 11 pm (but I had slept all day) so I turned on my “Meredith Andrews Pandora Station” as loud as it could go and began doing the dishes. Those of you who have struggled with the heaviness of depression can understand what a huge step this was. All I wanted to do was crawl back under my covers, but I thought I’d try praising and thanking God…not even for the situation…but simply for who He is.

I realized in that moment, even if I couldn’t thank him for this new hurdle yet, I could still thank him for his character and his promises. Those are not affected by my circumstances.

As I sang, I cried some more, and then I felt his peace and joy wash over me.

There is a reason that “Praise” and “Thanksgiving” are mentioned as commands so many times in the Bible. They are vital to our health and can change our perspective when our situation is unchangeable.

The book of Revelation is a “revelation (in Greek, apocalypse) from Jesus Christ”** or a prophecy recorded by John. In Revelation 7:9-13, it describes the saints that have endured suffering in the name of Christ, have come out of the tribulation, and have had their robes washed white by the blood of Christ. And they are on their faces before the throne of God saying,

“Amen!

Praise and glory

and wisdom and thanks and

honor

and power and strength

be to our God for ever and ever.

Amen!”

– Revelation 7:12 NAS

I was reading a commentary on this passage and there are two powerful observations about this group of verses;

“1. They acknowledge the glorious attributes of God-his wisdom, his power, and his might.

  1. They declare that for these his divine perfections he ought to be blessed, and praised, and glorified, to all eternity; and they confirm it by their Amen. We see what is the work of heaven, and we ought to begin it now, to get our hearts tuned for it, to be much in it, and to long for that world where our praises, as well as happiness, will be perfected.” – Matthew Henry:: Commentary on Revelation 7, Blue Letter Bibl

Stuart and Jill also reflect on this idea of “getting our hearts tuned” for heaven while here on earth, in their recent book, “Improving with Age: God’s Plan for Getting Older and Better”. They say,

“Consider this possibility: Could it be that wasting away physically and being renewed spiritually are equal and opposite realities? Could both these processes be preludes to, and reminders of, the physical return to dust and the spiritual return to the Creator? Are we living now in processes that will be completed later in eternity?”

Praise and thanksgiving towards God in the midst of our suffering will transform our perspective to that of an eternal one and give way to chronic hope.

 ** “How to Understand the Bible: A Simple Guide” by Mel Lawrenz

-Adri

**Printed in the Winter 2017 Issue of Just Between Us Magazine. JBU is a magazine designed to “encourage and equip women for a life of faith” and was started by Jill Briscoe 26 years ago. To learn more about JBU, visit their website, and/or subscribe, click here.”

 


Top Ten Ways a Disability Prepares You for Motherhood

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Recently, I was asked to write monthly for a blog called MKE (Milwaukee) Moms Blog. The site is a local resource for moms in the Milwaukee area; a place to find support, advice, and connect with other women both through screens and in real life. You can learn more about the site by clicking here. It is a sister site of a nationwide site called City Moms Blog Networks. If you don’t live in mke, you should check it out and see if they have a site in your city!

Writing for MKE Moms Blog has proven to be a fun adventure thus far and provides outlets for me to write about topics other than my pain (because believe it or not…my life does not revolve completely around my disease) and to use humor in my writing. Humor has been key in getting me through so much of the pain and so it’s fun to be able to share a slice of that.

My first post, “Top Ten Ways a Disability Prepares You for Motherhood was featured on the site yesterday. As medical technologies progress at the rapid rate that they are, we will continue to see an increase in women with a wide array of abilities (or disabilities) enter the mommy community. Hopefully this post will shatter some of the pre-conceived notions you might have about parenting with a disability. While there is no doubt that it comes with challenges, I’ve found that so much of what I’ve experienced has prepared me for motherhood better than any parenting book ever could have.

You can also read my bio and get to know the other (amazing) contributors by clicking here.

Happy Parenting!

-Adri


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