Resolutions- “Whatever’s in front of me, I’ll choose to sing Hallelujah”

iPhone 762My “stats” page just informed me that it’s been three months since I posted a new blog entry here.

It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been talking…crying is more like it… with God about a few things and have purposefully avoided writing. Not because I am scared to let you see into my brokenness, but because ultimately, what God has to say about it is what matters.

Sometimes I need to just stop and be quiet and listen to that voice inside of me that I know is God-breathed, because nothing in and of my human-ness would have formulated that thought in my head.

Promise came home from school, after returning from Christmas break, and announced (while standing on her chair, as she does with most of her “announcements”) that while discussing what “resolution” meant at school, she told her whole class what my New Years Resolution was.

My heart started racing. I broke out in a cold sweat as I frantically replayed in my mind, every resolution that I had mindlessly rattled off (serious or otherwise) over the past week. I’m not big on New Years Resolutions, but I am big on jokingly making them up.

Oops.

(Lesson learned. Promise is more social in class than I thought she was. I have no idea where she gets that.)

After coming up empty on what Promise could have possibly shared with her entire class, my anxiety was calmed as she said, “Oh you know Mommy, the one about getting an alarm clock and not keeping your phone on your nightstand.” *Cue a collective sigh of relief*

As is evidenced by the time stamp on this post, I am failing horribly at this “no electronics in the bedroom” resolution.

In the days and weeks that have followed that announcement, God and I have been having some more serious hear-to-heart talks about resolutions.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that in 2 minutes I am turning 31, or if subconsciously my body just knows that it’s getting tired, but the weight of my health has been unusually heavy at the start of this new year.

I’ve struggled more than I ever have before with seeing friends and acquaintances experience physical healing in their lives, while my situation remains unchanged…if not worse. I’ve silently cried out the, “but why not me, God?” question repeatedly in my head.

If anything, I feel like my faith in God’s power to heal me is more confident now than it has ever been.

And the only answer that I’ve gotten is that that is not God’s plan for my life right now. Is he capable? Yes. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead, now lives in me. Of course he is capable. I believe that with my whole heart.

As my friend, Jill, so wisely shared with me a few months back; God has healed me. I can’t think of myself as being excluded from his healing. He’s healed me to the point that he knows I needed to be healed in order to accomplish his purpose for my life.

I am alive. I am walking. I still have my legs, as cumbersome as they may be. That is all a certain extent of healing that God has allowed to take place in my life.

It’s just not healing on my terms. Which is where faith and resolve come in.

The lyrics of this song by Bethany Dillon hit me hard the other day as the spilled out from my Pandora station while driving;

“Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I’ve fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it’s when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

Songwriters: Leonard Winston Dillon
© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
And so as I step into another year of living with all of this, my resolve is that “whatever’s in front of me,  I’ll choose to sing hallelujah”.
-Adri

 

 

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About Adri

Jesus died for me, so he gets my life. Chris married me, so he gets my heart. Promise came out of me, so she gets my time. Creativity was given to me, so it gets my passion. Spina Bifida and Chiari won't leave me, so they get my fight. My family supports me, so they get my honesty. My friends encourage me, so they get my loyalty. My dog is tiny, soft, and warm, so she gets my lap. My words are me, so they get this blog. View all posts by Adri

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