A Different Kind of Battle

It’s been one week. The highs have been high and the lows have been pretty low.

Each of my twenty one surgeries has been so different, bearing lessons that have become invaluable to me. They’re invaluable because they’ve demanded patience, faith, and an abundance of silent tears as I’ve waited for them to unfold. Suffering requires so much, but gives even more in return.

This surgery is no exception. It’s already taken on a completely different nature than it’s predecessors. It’s scars are not brave, heroic ones that I’m proud to show. The damage is not internal, but in contrast, the most physically altering of them all. Instead of healing on my back or beneath a cast, my healing is happening smack dab in front of me every time I look in the mirror. Except the healing is different. There will always be blood, tissue, and fluids. It’s never going to heal. It’s not supposed to. And as much as I can cover it up and disguise it from the world, I can never hide it from myself.

Physically, this surgery has been a breeze. The pain, while definitely there, is minimal. Mentally though, it’s been a battle. A unique battle and one that’s starting to get to me a bit. Thankfulness and joy intermingled with sorrow, embarrassment, and confusion.

One of my greatest fears is that my depression will creep back in. That scares me more than anything. Today I noticed some of my tell-tale signs and I could almost hear a little voice in the back of my mind say, “ha! and you thought you had me beat. I’m always going to be here”.

It isn’t uncommon to experience some depression after having an ileostomy (at least according to my hand out) and I know I need to give myself time. But you can pray for me as I’m in the midst of this; as I reach out to the professionals who love God dearly and have brought healing to this area of my life. Pray for wisdom on their part and mine. Pray that God would give me peace when I start to feel panicked about slipping back down that slope. Pray that I recall and remember what God has done, already in my life. Pray that I hold firmly to the truth that HE WILL NOT LET ME GO.

Last night I cried, sobbed actually, because I miss my stomach. It itched like crazy and it was all I could do to keep myself from tearing off the bag and all the glue that was making me itch. It’s a loss for sure, although it sounds a little silly when I say out loud, “I miss my stomach”. Especially in light of the losses that dear friends around me are experiencing. It is not a loss of a spouse, marriage, or child, but still it is a loss and I know I need to allow myself time to grieve it.

But the moment my bag starts to feel too big, is the moment I know my view of God is too small. 

He is here. He has not left me. He will work this for good far greater than I can imagine (again). So in that I’m resting tonight. He will give me the strength that I need tomorrow. Strength and determination that I certainly don’t have.

“You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely” Psalm 59: 9&10

Advertisements

About Adri

Jesus died for me, so he gets my life. Chris married me, so he gets my heart. Promise came out of me, so she gets my time. Creativity was given to me, so it gets my passion. Spina Bifida and Chiari won't leave me, so they get my fight. My family supports me, so they get my honesty. My friends encourage me, so they get my loyalty. My dog is tiny, soft, and warm, so she gets my lap. My words are me, so they get this blog. View all posts by Adri

8 responses to “A Different Kind of Battle

  • Meredith Reddick

    Oh, Adri- he does have you firmly in His grasp, and not only will He never let you go, His hand doesn’t even slip! I am praying even as I write that He will lift you far above despair and depression and that you can simply rest in His arms today. You are doing the right things, having help in place from people who love God and care about you. All of us walk on a fine line in life, with the possibility of entering dark places. As you already have said and know, with the degree of suffering He allows, there is something glorious He has just around the corner. What a remarkable vessel you have been for Him to work through! I look forward to hearing what He shows you next. Someday you will see how all the pieces have fit together and your perseverance will reveal amazing things that you could never have imagined. I can’t wait to be in Heaven with you someday and share with you in the eternal joy of all that He has done and all that He is. Keep your focus on the eternal glory that is coming. He will give you today all that you need to live abundantly and joyfully. Thank you for choosing LIFE, Adri! Phil, 4: 8,9. Much love and gentle hugs, Meredith (Reddick)
    Ps. 19:14

    Like

  • Meredith Reddick

    Oh, Adri- He does have you firmly in His grasp, and not only will He never let you go, His hand doesn’t even slip! I am praying even as I write that He will lift you far above despair and depression and that you can simply rest in His arms today. You are doing the right things, having help in place from people who love God and care about you. All of us walk on a fine line in life, with the possibility of entering dark places. As you already have said and know, with the degree of suffering He allows, there is something glorious He has just around the corner. What a remarkable vessel you have been for Him to work through! I look forward to reading about what He shows you next. Someday you will see how all the pieces have fit together and your perseverance will reveal amazing things that you could never have imagined. I can’t wait to be in Heaven with you someday and share with you in the eternal joy of all that the Lord has done and all that He is. Keep your focus on the eternal glory that I coming. He will give you today all that you need to live abundantly and joyfully. Thank you for choosing LIFE, Adri! Phil. 4: 8,9
    Much love and gentle hugs, Meredith (Reddick)
    Ps. 19:14

    Liked by 1 person

  • Darcy

    praying for you

    Liked by 1 person

  • Tiffany

    I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I came across you a few months ago, by searching #spinabifida on Instagram. I was immediately drawn to your story and especially how you have handled the struggles life has thrown your way. I was diagnosed with Spina Bifida (Myelomeningocele) at birth, and Hydrocephalus a few weeks after. Although I have been blessed in many ways living with SB, I have also had my share of struggles as well. I read how you use a cane for balance. Although I am able to walk unassisted, I too struggle with balance. I’ve learned I have to lean against something while I stand, or I end up looking drunk. So when I saw your cane, It made me smile and I was able to relate. I am in awe of your talent in drawings, and I love how you come about it all. Thanks again for being such a strong inspiration to me and sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Adri

      Tiffany, thank you so much for writing and letting me know that my story is encouraging you! It sounds like you’ve experienced quite a lot as well. I’d love to connect more with you! My email is madebyadri@gmail.com . And yes, don’t fear the cane!;) once you get used to it, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it:) it comes in handy for a variety of things; herding children, reaching things high up on target shelves, etc. I finally gave in to using it about 10 years ago bc people thought I was drunk, too!:( praying for you and your journey tonight!

      Like

  • Carol Schuldt

    Adrian, your transparency always touches me. I pray The Lord will meet every need you have and take away all fears. You are beautiful Adri. Nothing will change that. Praying, Carol

    Liked by 1 person

  • Annie Gillary

    Dearest Adri ~ Your words and your journey always touch my heart. Your courage, strength and honesty are admired. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. You are always in my prayers. God bless you and make His face to shine upon you. You are beautiful. ~ Annie G.

    Like

  • Linda S Martinez

    You are precious in His sight. He will not let you go. Praying for you as you walk through this time in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: